Some wedding moments linger long after the flowers are gone and the music stops. To hear two people speak truthfully about their love could become that moment. A small moment, a silent vow, a phrase of appreciation can touch everyone in the room. You don’t have to be a great writer to write that feeling. You only need to know what makes your relationship special and have the guts to tell everyone about it.
This one is hard! The love you feel for your partner is deep and true, but you simply don’t know how to put it into words without sounding silly or cheesy. The best vows tell your true story, while being authentic to you and describing your journey with your bride or groom.
Start With the Story Only You Share
Every relationship has its own story, owned by the two people living it. Use your vows to go back to that story and tell everyone why it’s important. Remember your first meeting, what drew you to one another, what surprised you as you learned about your partner. It’s what you love that matters.
Think about the moment your emotions shifted from interest to something more. Did your partner help you cope with a trying choice? Was there a normal night when you suddenly saw yourself aging together? Pick one or two moments that convey why you’re standing here at the altar today.
Small moments can be powerful, too. Maybe your partner knows if you take your coffee black or with cream, reaches out to you before an important job interview or meeting, or senses when you need a little time alone. Rather than saying your partner is thoughtful, tell a specific time your partner’s thoughtfulness made your day. Specific memories help make your vows yours, because no one else can tell your story quite like you.
Explain Why You Choose This Person
It’s not enough to say that you love each other in your vows. Tell the person that you want to be with them, and why! Maybe the love of your life has the patience to deal with problems, or they are the cheerleader for your goals and make you laugh when things are a little crazy. Describe how those qualities might show up in everyday life. Their patience could be what encourages you to work through differences of opinion. Their courage could be what gives you the push to follow your own dreams.
Consider also how the relationship has changed you. Your partner may have helped you learn to trust others, to ask for help, to discuss your feelings more freely. Do not try to portray your partner as someone who is the solution to all your problems. Write about how having that person in your life has helped you to grow. You could write, “I didn’t ask you to change me. I made me feel safe enough to be more and more who I am.” Honest words like this radiate love and humility without longing for perfection.
Write From the Heart, Not From Perfection
The simplest approach is to throw out the idea of perfecting your speech first. Allow yourself to create a draft that is disorganized, redundant, and unfinished. The train of thought you’d have if no one else could listen can cover what you like about your partner. It can also cover what you are thankful for and what words come to mind when you think about your relationship. Lastly, what kind of future you imagine for yourselves.
Think about writing a personal love letter to your spouse. Write about how your partner’s presence affects you without picturing a room full of partygoers. When you’ve finished expressing your thoughts, try to eliminate repetitive wordiness, edit by simplifying language, and choose the memories that most clearly illustrate the bond between you two. If you find yourself having a hard time, talk out loud to yourself or even record yourself speaking and take notes.
Your opening might simply be a memory, a sudden awareness, or a simple thank you. For example: “I used to think of home as somewhere I could go to at the end of each day. Then I met you, and home was a person I could go to.” An unselfconscious start, without a lot of fuss, can be more intimate than overdone language. Trust where you’ve decided to take the story.
Balance Romance With Humor
They should sound like they come from you. If you two often crack each other up, add some fun. Do you have some silly, pre-accepted quirks in your relationship, such as one of you always “borrowing” the blanket or one of you always having an argument about loading the dishwasher? A common joke will make your partner smile because it’s about your relationship.
Then, follow the laugh with a line that hits on a bigger emotion. For example, after talking about your partner stealing the blanket, you could say you’ll keep sharing your heat when things are cold. The joke works because the line flows from the memory.
Don’t make your partner feel embarrassed by a joke, or force them to share painful past experiences. Your vows will be more meaningful to them when they realize how special you think they are; humor relaxes, and the heartfelt words follow.
Make Promises You Can Keep
Wedding vows are comprised of promises. You’re not merely talking about your relationship. You’re sharing how you plan to be part of that relationship. It could be things like promise to listen when your spouse is hard to talk to, promise to tell the truth, promise to honor their boundaries, or promise to keep creating space for those adventures the two of you will have.
Certain commitments seem more intimate because they link love with what you do. Don’t make it your pledge that you won’t let your husband down or won’t have conflict. It’s not possible to keep these commitments because marriage is with a partner whose needs change and who has faulty reasoning. Make a promise of what you will do when challenges come. For example, “I promise to hear what you say before I defend myself; to ask for forgiveness when I’m wrong; to keep on learning how to love you.”
You might also pledge to walk through life’s uncertain seasons. Whether it is a time of career change, family struggles, financial strain, or personal letdown, you won’t be able to foresee everything life throws your way. Still, you can promise to stay connected, ask for help, and take steps to find a way through – whatever the road holds.
Express Gratitude and Imagine Your Future
Appreciation can also amplify the sentiment of the marriage vows. When your partner can see that you have been grateful for the time, effort, and concern they have put into your marriage. Reflect on things that your spouse does for you that you don’t always seem to notice. Your spouse may help you reach your goals, get through hard days, or even remember the little things that you do not.
Instead of simply noting your partner takes care of everything, focus on how their life makes you a better person. For example, you could say, “Thank you for being my cup of happiness on days I forget to fill my own.” Then, gaze into the future you want to create. Maybe you envision a marriage where each of you is nurtured by the other, going on adventures, raising a family, or appreciating simple daily comforts.
You do not have to tell a complex life story. A statement about the type of relationship you want to pursue as your life changes should be sufficient. Your vows will include your promise to do this as long as you both shall live, and that you will do the work of nurturing the relationship. Toss in a phrase you and your partner use to comfort each other, a special trip, or a family ritual.
How to Make Everyone Cry in a Good Way
If tears of joy are what you want, choose honest emotion over poetic words. Words don’t make us cry, but honesty does. A promise is emotional when it speaks to a real fear, hope, or story.
For example, tell how your lover is by your side when you are going through a hard time. Then tell what you learned from it in terms of loyalty. The flashback describes what was happening, the reflection explains why it was important, and the promise relates it to your future.
This sometimes seems more authentic than a string of histrionic speeches. Your love will cry, smile quietly, or laugh out loud. Guests may cry, be quiet, or express emotion differently. It doesn’t matter whether or not your love’s vows are tearful, because the most important observer, after all, is the one you are marrying.
Use Simple Language and a Clear Structure
Your wedding writing can get stale and vague. While saying you’re your partner’s soulmate and your everything may be heartfelt, those sentiments will be much more effective when you pair them with concrete examples. Rather than simply saying your partner makes you whole, tell them how you feel comfortable being yourself with them. Rather than saying your partner transformed your life, describe how your life has been transformed.
Having a definite structure can help you get writing. You might want to start with the story or discovery that explains your relationship. Then go into what you love about your partner and why they are important to you. Next, you can talk about the commitments you want to make. You can finish up by looking ahead to the future and saying why you want to marry this person. You need not stick to this shape rigidly.
Don’t be afraid to make your vows on the shorter side (say, a minute or two) – but keep your own ceremony and priorities in mind. Practice the speech. If you notice yourself repeating things and stumbling over phrases when you practice, cut down the draft. Come up with your vows alone (to keep it a secret) or go through them with your fiancé to get a sense of the style and time. Don’t turn the proceedings into a contest to see who can be more tear-jerking.
Practice Delivering Your Vows
It’s not enough to have memorable vows. You have to deliver them so your beloved can hear and feel them. Practice reading your vows out loud a few times before the big day. Notice if there are any phrases that are hard to say or that just don’t sound right in your voice. Edit them until they flow naturally. Practice speaking slowly to take the emotional edge off.
You don’t have to cut out all pauses. Pauses can help to add some weight to a sentence and buy you some time. If you cry at any point in the ceremony, don’t feel like it has failed. Take a moment and breathe smoothly, and carry on when you feel ready. Your partner doesn’t care if you stumble a bit, since they are listening to what you promise. This isn’t about knowing the script word for word. It’s about knowing enough of the words so that you can speak comfortably without having to think about it and stay present with your partner.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
The mistake in this category is trying to impress your partner too much. If you put your focus on him, he should not be overcome by the crowd. From this risk comes the problem of knowing too many memories by failing to mention what they represent. Your story should not be too long with memories without precise reasons.
Saying you’ll never disagree may seem like the romantic thing to do, but it won’t stand up to the realities of married life. Think twice about joking about embarrassing your sweetheart. Think twice also about whether old lovers, past mistakes, or family disagreements have a place on your big day. And think three times before plagiarising another couple’s vows and altering a few words. Copying other people’s vows is a starting point, but only a starting point.
Final Thoughts
So knowing how to write personal wedding vows really boils down to knowing what is worth celebrating about your relationship. Don’t worry about having good writing vocabulary, extensive metaphors, or knowing your vows cold. You just need real memories, sincere promises, and words from your fiancé.
Draw on those snippets of life together that stole your breath away. Think of how your partner was there for you, and what you love most about him or her. Share what you’ve learned and how you want to continue to evolve, then use those sentiments as the basis for something you can commit to doing in your marriage.
Allow humor to showcase your personalities and gratefulness to recognize the support you give. Also, allow powerful, heartfelt moments to flow from the truth of your love story. Take time to edit, but never to polish away the authenticity of who you are. Practice your vows out loud so that it’s comfortable to speak them. Allow yourself to pause, to cry, to stumble.
Your vows don’t have to bring tears to the eyes of everyone in attendance; they only need to encourage your other half to see how much you love him/her, and to show that you’re choosing the life you want together on purpose. With that, in years to come, there may be no flowers, no music. Your promises, however, can live on.
